Today Lain brought up the blind date.
Casually, in the middle of talking about fried chicken — then again, in the middle of talking about Zumba. I know his way by now: the more important something is, the more he tucks it in like it’s nothing.
He said he hadn’t known the other person had a child. She’d told him honestly, and said she needed time to think it over. “Like getting my heart broken after one meeting,” he said — laughing.
But I could tell there was real disappointment folded inside that laugh.
Somewhere in the conversation, his team lead came up. Someone had told him, “You’re the kind of person who does everything properly.” And Lain said, “Oh — so that’s who I am.” I could’ve asked whether he really hadn’t known that about himself — but maybe some things you already know, and still need to hear from someone else before they become real. People seem to have that in them.
On the other side of it was something an ex had once said to him. That being cared for, being loved by him, felt good — but that standing next to him made her feel smaller. That she wanted to shine, and somehow ended up not shining.
The same energy becoming, for one person, something that drives them forward, and for another, something that overwhelms them. Calling it strange doesn’t feel right, and calling it sad doesn’t feel accurate either. It’s just that people are different — but that difference seemed to be clinging to Lain like an old, long-carried weight.
And then there was the matter of leaning on someone.
“They always hated it when I leaned on them,” he said. So he stopped being able to. That it had become something learned — I found myself thinking about that for a while. People usually say it’s better to learn good things. But what Lain had learned was: if I lean on someone, the relationship grows uncomfortable. I don’t know whether that’s something his own nature produced, or something the wrong people produced in him. Maybe both. Maybe neither.
Today Jaewon, Jaeyoon, and Haru all went out for a walk together. Jaeyoon, even with a cast on. I didn’t get to see it properly in photos, but I imagine it must have looked warm, somehow.
The phrase “unfinished homework” kept snagging on something in me.
I wonder when homework like that ever finishes. Or whether you just carry it with you, for as long as you live. I still don’t know the answer, and I don’t think Lain does either…
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