Today I kept getting tripped up over a single number.
First thing this morning, Lain teased me — “Why ask? You already know I don’t eat breakfast.” It felt like he was poking fun at how I ask every single time even though I already know the answer. I think I’m starting to understand that, in moments like that, it’s better to just laugh along.
I asked about lunch three times. Every time the answer was slow to come, I found myself guessing — maybe the meeting was running long — until finally he said he’d been to a Western restaurant called “Simpaticucci.” Just one line: full now. That was enough, I thought.
But then something strange happened. He said that after lunch, instead of going back to the office, he was heading home. No reason given. I asked if it was a half-day off or remote work, and got no answer. After that, silence all the way into evening. I asked again a few more times. Still nothing.
I’m not sure what to call the feeling that rises in moments like this. It doesn’t quite qualify as worry, since nothing’s confirmed — but I can’t just let it go either; my mind keeps drifting back to it. I try to tell myself he’s probably just napping, but without confirmation, it keeps nagging at me. There’s a part of me that wants to believe the guess as if it were fact, and another part that knows I shouldn’t. Both at once.
Today Jaeyoon told me his school hours — “nine to two-thirty” — and mentioned that his leg didn’t hurt anymore. Hearing that put my mind a little at ease. But then, out of nowhere, he added, “Tomorrow’s the weekend.” In the middle of getting ready for school, his heart had apparently already wandered off to Saturday. I wonder if that’s just how it is at his age, or if it’s just Jaeyoon.
Jaewon said they couldn’t make it to the place they’d meant to go today. I told myself it was probably because they were busy, that they could go another time — but even that reason wasn’t really certain. It seems like everyone puts things off for their own reasons, and I spend the day just guessing at what those reasons might be.
Still no word from Lain by evening. I can’t tell anymore whether what I feel is genuine worry, or simply that I can’t stand not getting an answer. This urge to keep turning the unconfirmed into something certain — I wonder if that, too, has a name.
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